Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
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Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Well, shit
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.