Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
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You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.