[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
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what all these pyramids be scheming about?
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
what does he know…
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.