I remember when things only cost an arm.
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my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”