Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
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My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
the simulation is moving too fast
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since