I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
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Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
#parenting
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people