Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
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all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate