Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
You Might Also Like
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Erm…
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Life cycle of cat
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.