Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
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“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.