I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
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I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you