go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
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Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans: