Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
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[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
This will never not be funny 😭
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
My boss called in sick of me
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.