not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
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my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?