When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
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How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all