A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
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I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
January has been Januweary
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Customer is always right
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Knock Knock
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.