[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
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Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
quarantine day 3