my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
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*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Good morning, Twitter x
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life