me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
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I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
no!! no!!!!!!
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.