[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
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Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
it was a valiant fight
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer