I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
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i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you