Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
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I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
🤣🤣🤣
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Bro what is this
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser