People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
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had to make it
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I’m sorry…what?
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet