God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
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Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
my friends when i can’t do basic math
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?