10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
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Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell