If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
You Might Also Like
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.