Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
You Might Also Like
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.