Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
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3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
me as a parent
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?