I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
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Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.