Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
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Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go