Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
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“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Dietest Coke
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
how to market bottled water to dads
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I