Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
You Might Also Like
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours