*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
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Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos