Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
You Might Also Like
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?