When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
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Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive