We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
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Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.