If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
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Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”