This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
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her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work