who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
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[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.