Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
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Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED