Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
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If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
u guys got any snacks onboard here
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Weirdly Wednesday.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”