[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
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ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Ken is short for chicken
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Every. Damn. Time.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80