DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
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I don’t know what to do
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.