Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
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My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks