ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
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You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide