BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
You Might Also Like
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies