Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
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Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito