Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
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Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.