Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
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Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan