The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
You Might Also Like
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.