My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
You Might Also Like
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid